The Hardest Thing
by La Vi3 bOh3M3
Summary: After Addison dies and leaves her 3 young kids behind with her husband, Izzie steps up to the plate to offer a hand. Takes place maybe around 11 years down the line or so. Read and review please! Chap4 now up!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is untitled as of now, and I don't know if it's going to be a oneshot or a multiple chapter fic, but I was reading something and an image popped into my head that I had to write about. So, I'd appreciate if ya'll would just bear with me while I try to find my footing with this. Read and review please.

Rating: It's between K+ and T.

Summary: After Addison dies and leaves her 3 young kids behind with her husband, Izzie steps up to the plate to offer a rather large hand. Takes place maybe around 11 years down the line or so.

Disclaimer: I only own the kids, nothing or no one else.

* * *

Derek's POV:

A loud knock sounded at the door of our house, causing my tired eyes to pop open. I thought that if maybe I ignored it, the visitor would leave. The persistent knocking continued though, so I gathered my aching body from the couch and trooped to the door. I didn't bother checking the window to see who it was, instead; I flung open the door, fully preparing myself to rudely turn down a solicitor or a random person selling some useless product. When I saw Izzie Stevens shivering on my doorstep, I felt almost relieved. I smiled tiredly at her and held the door open. She stepped into my house and rested her hand on my cheek, comfortingly.

"Derek, how are you doing?" She smiled warmly.

I shrugged. "As best as can be expected, I suppose."

"Of course." She smiled again. "And the kids?"

"Annabelle hasn't left her room since yesterday, Gracie refuses to eat, and Zach keeps asking for his mommy."

Izzie's face fell. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Well, its not, but—"

"I brought you guys some muffins and a little something each for the kids." Izzie cut me off.

"Thank you." I accepted the basket in her arms, but I eyed the wrapped boxes warily. "You can go up if you want."

She leaned in to hug me and I gratefully leaned into her small frame. She pulled away and turned to climb the stairs. I ran a hand through my hair and watched her go.

One might wonder why Izzie Stevens of all people was showing up at my house after my wife died. Sure, to the plain eye, she was a kind young woman, but after Addison and I renewed our vows and began to have children, my wife and Izzie grew closer. They became good friends, not really sure how it had happened exactly, but both women were grateful for the friendship. Izzie was even present in the room when my youngest, Zachary Dean Montgomery Shepard, Zach, was born 3 years ago. After Izzie and Addison became friends, I had also gotten considerably closer with her, along with my two oldest girls, which is why I allowed her into my house at a time like this.

I deposited the basket of muffins on the kitchen table and resumed my seat on the couch.

* * *

3rd Person POV:

"Zach?" Izzie knocked quietly on the 3rd door down the hall, and waited for a response.

"Mommy?" A small voice from behind the door questioned, excitedly.

Izzie's heart broke. She opened the door. "No baby, its Auntie Izzie."

The small 3 year old boy seated on his bed lost all hope in his face as Izzie stepped into the room. "Hi buddy. Watchya up to?"

He shrugged. "Just playin'."

Izzie smiled and ruffled his dark curls. "Huh, just playin? Well what are you playing?"

He held up a small Lego between his fingers. "Well this one is me. I'm trying to save mommy. And this is mommy." He pointed to a Lego Woman. "And that," he indicated to a pile of Lego's, "is heaven. Daddy says that mommy is in heaven. And I think I need to rescue her.

"Oh, buddy." She held open her arms. "Come here." She gently picked him up and sat him on her lap.

"Auntie Izzie, when's my mommy coming home?" His bright blue eyes sparkled as he looked up at Izzie.

Izzie sighed, not sure how to answer. "I don't know baby, I don't know. But I brought you something." She picked up the wrapped box next to them and handed it to the small boy, to distract him. It seemed to work.

His eyes lit up and he clapped his hands joyously. He ripped open the paper as fast as his 3 year old hands would allow. He gasped when he saw the large Lego building in the box.

"Thank you." He sloppily kissed her cheek. She was impressed with his impeccable manners. Addison had raised him well.

She also knew the present wasn't much, but if it would keep the kid occupied for a couple days to allow Derek to have a moment to grieve for himself and his wife, and that, Izzie was glad to supply.

Izzie stood up. "Alright baby, I'm gonna go see your sisters now. Enjoy the present."

"Bye Auntie Izzie!" He squealed and Izzie laughed at the little boy's small moment of happiness before shutting the door behind her.

When she came to the 2nd door, Izzie saw it was already open a crack. She peeked in and saw Addison and Derek's middle child, Gracie Cheyenne, asleep on her princess bedspread. The 7 year old was clutching a stuffed monkey, lovingly known by everyone as Peekaboo, given to her by her mother on her 7th birthday.

Izzie clutched the girls present and quietly tiptoed into the room.

She rested the box on the floor next to Gracie's bed and then studied the child's face. She looked to be sleeping peacefully. Izzie pushed her dark curls from her face and gently kissed her forehead. She then left, for fear in that she would wake her.

Izzie knew the 3rd room was going to be a challenge. She sighed and knocked loudly in assurance that the occupant of the room could hear. She received no answer or reply, so she banged her fist against the door again. Still no response. She turned the knob and opened the door slightly.

"Anniebear?" Izzie called, using the 11 year olds nickname. "It's Aunt Izzie. Can I come in please?"

"No!" A furious shout was the reply. "You're not my mother, go away."

Izzie bit her lip, deciding whether or not to obey the child's wishes or not. She decided not to.

She pushed open the door fully and walked in. 'Well, I'm coming in anyways."

Izzie's heart nearly broke in two when she saw Annabelle. She was lying buried under her covers, clutching a picture of herself and her mother, tear tracks staining her face.

"I told you not to come in." Annabelle cried.

"Well I have something for you. And your dad told me you hadn't left your room since yesterday. That isn't good."

"How would you know what's good or not for me?" She retorted. "You're not my mother. My mother is dead."

The words stung Izzie. Mostly because she also missed Addison, and Annabelle's blunt way of saying that she was gone was a slight blow to the heart.

"Anniebear, look. I know you're probably angry. And I know you probably want to lie in this bed forever holding that picture, but you can't." Izzie sat down next to the pre-teen.

"Why not?" She glared at Izzie defiantly.

"Because it's not what your mother would have wanted." Izzie simply replied. "I know you miss her; she's your mother. I miss her too. And I know it hurts. You can cry and scream and get angry, but you can't stay in here forever. What about Gracie and Zach? What about them? I'm sure your mother would have wanted you to be the big sister. You can't be the big sister from this bed."

Annabelle brushed away the falling tears from her cheeks, and looked at Izzie. "But how am I supposed to live without her?"

"It will be hard in the beginning, and I know you're at that age that having your mother around to talk to and everything is most important, but trust me, you're not alone. I am here for you. Aunt Savvy and Aunt Meredith, and even your father, will be here to help."

"But I miss her so much, Aunt Izzie." Annabelle clutched the worn picture even tighter. Izzie put a gentle arm around the girl and stroked her beautiful red hair; thinking about how much Annabelle looked like Addison, out of all her 3 children, Annabelle could be her mother's doppelganger.

"I know you do baby, I know. This hurts. Its hurting me too, I just don't show it."

Annabelle sobbed quietly into Izzie's shoulder, while tears began to form in Izzie's own brown eyes.

"Maybe." Annabelle looked up. "Maybe if I hadn't made her pick me up from Lucy's house that day she wouldn't have caught the chicken pox from Lucy's brother, and then gotten an infection, then sepsis, and maybe she wouldn't have died."

Izzie was shocked at the child's knowledge of the exact situation, but she didn't say anything. "Anniebear you can't blame yourself. It isn't your fault."

Annabelle shrugged and attempted to wipe her tears again, but to no avail, because fresh ones poured from her emerald eyes. "I can't help it. I need someone to blame."

Izzie wrapped her arms around the child again, and the two sat in silence for a good 5 minutes while Annabelle cried.

"Look, I know you want to cry and stay here forever, but I have something for you. And then maybe we can go downstairs and grab something to eat with your father. I know he's worried about you kids."

Izzie didn't know of a single kid who didn't enjoy presents, so when Annabelle's eyes lit up, Izzie was happy. She reached down on the floor and returned with a small box in her hand, and passed it to Annabelle.

"Thanks..." Annabelle said, eyeing the present.

"Go ahead, Anniebear, open it." Izzie replied.

Annabelle ripped open the packaging, and much to Izzie's regret, Annabelle's eyes filled with tears again when she saw what it was.

It was a picture in a picture frame. A picture of Izzie, Addison and baby Annabelle. Izzie and Addison had their arms around each other, grinning from ear to ear. Addison held baby Annabelle tightly in her grasp, and Annabelle's eyes were wide and her mouth was in a small baby grin.

"Oh Aunt Izzie, I love it, oh thank you! It makes me kind of sad, but I really love it."

Izzie hugged the girl and laughed. "Good. I'm glad. And now that I'm all talked out, and I'm sure you're all probably cried out, let's go downstairs."

Annabelle rolled her eyes. "That's not funny. This is the first time I've left my room since mommy…since the funeral."

"I know, but we'll go together." Izzie hopped off the bed, and grabbed Annabelle's hand.

Annabelle kissed Izzie's cheek. "I love you Aunt Izzie."

"I love you too Anniebear Shepard."

* * *

Derek's POV:

"Daddy!" I looked up, and never expected to see what I saw.

Izzie was coming down the stairs, holding Annabelle's hand as well as Gracie's hand, with Zach trailing behind them.

I stood up in shock and forced a smile to appear on my face. "Hi kiddos. I see Aunt Izzie convinced everyone to come and eat?"

Gracie nodded. "She woke me up, but I was glad to see her."

Each in turn, the kids gave me hugs. When it came Annabelle's turn I had to shut my eyes. It was difficult looking at her. She was the spitting image of my dead wife.

"Daddy, what's wrong?" Annabelle noticed my clenched jaw and shut eyes.

"Nothing, Annie, you just look alot like mommy. That's all."

Annabelle pulled away and looked hurt. She reached for Izzie's hand again.

"No, baby, that's a good thing. It's a blessing that one of my kids looks like their mother."

Annabelle shrugged and I was glad she dropped the issue. Izzie noticed the awkward silence. "How about some muffins?"

Zach cheered and hopped into my open arms, while Gracie raced to the kitchen. Annabelle walked slowly with Izzie. I eyed the two, noticed the inseparability, and couldn't help but think that Izzie was going to take my wife's place in my children's lives.

But no. I realized I was being irrational. Izzie would never take her best friends place; she would simply fill in what the kids would be missing. A woman in their lives. A woman who was dedicated to her friends and her job, and a woman who was there to talk when any of them needed. And for that, I was grateful.

* * *

A/N: Yay that was fun. And now my brain is satisfied. I think I'm going to add another chapter that centers on Derek and how he handles Addison's death, because I didn't focus on it too much in this chapter. So yes, please please read and review! 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm glad that this idea has sparked such curiosity and interest in you guys!! Thanks for the reviews for last chapter. Here's chapter two. Read and review please.

Disclaimer: I only own Annabelle, Gracie, and Zach. Everything else belongs to Shonda and ABC.

* * *

Derek's POV:

Four days had passed since Addison had died, and still I couldn't bring myself to look at a picture of her. I had been sleeping on the couch, away from her empty spot in our bed, away from her belongings, and away from her presence. Three says had passed since Izzie had been by to talk to my kids and I could already see the impact that the 10 minutes spent with each child had made on them. Zach still asked where his mommy was, and I had to explain repeatedly that she was heaven and that she wasn't going to come home. Gracie was eating better and only mentioned Addison a couple times. Annabelle never spoke of her mother, and she went on her daily schedule as if nothing happened. I didn't necessarily think that was best, for her to keep her feelings bottled up, but I figured that if she wasn't locking herself in her room and refusing to speak to anyone, then we were perfectly fine.

One morning after I had gotten the kids ready for school, and their Aunt Izzie had come by and picked them up, I decided it was time. Time to go to my room for a period of time that was longer than my usual run in, grab clothes, and bolt out agenda. I was going to sit on my bed, hold a picture of Addison, and let my feelings out. I was determined to do so.

So I grabbed my unfinished cup of coffee and slowly made the climb up our stairs. I passed Zach's room, then Gracie's, and finally Annie's, before stopping at the last door in the long hallway. My hand shook as I placed it timidly on the doorknob. I half expected Addison to come from behind a corner, laughing about how they were going to be late for work unless they hurried up. But she didn't. And I remained with my hand shaking on the doorknob.

I breathed in deeply and quickly pushed open the door. An almost immediate wave of nausea and panic set in as I stepped into the room slowly. The place just screamed Addison. An outfit was strewn on our bed and her perfume bottles littered the tops of our drawers and her shoes. Her hundreds of shoes were lined carefully in her walk in closet.

I gradually let my eyes sweep the area of the room until finally my quivering legs screamed to be rested. I sat on the bed; my side. I avoided her side like the plague.

And then I saw the picture on her nightstand. It was of me, Addison, Annabelle, Gracie, and Zach at a picnic. I remembered taking that picture; we had asked a couple passing by with their dog to take the picture. They gladly obliged. My heart ached as I picked up the picture and studied it. I missed Addison more than I could put into words.

I was kind of glad, in a weird, twisted way, when the dam finally broke. Tears poured down my cheeks like I hadn't cried in years. My breathing came out in shaky raspy breathes, and my hands shook as I clutched the picture of my family.

"Oh Addie, how am I supposed to go on without you?" I cried, to no one in particular.

I laid a sloppy kiss on my wife's face in the picture I was holding and replaced it on her nightstand. "How dare you leave me?"

I was angry. She had left our three small children without a mother in their lives.

"I can't raise them without you!"

I laid back into the soft comfort of our bed, and rolled over to clutch Addison's pillow. I breathed in the scent lingering on the soft fabric, and thought about how pathetic it was that her pillow was the only thing I had that would remind me of the way she smelled. She smelled like roses. The best kind. Addison never liked the idea of smelling like a certain candy or food, so she always chose the flower flavored shampoos over the vanilla or cotton candy ones.

I sobbed into the pillow, which muffled my hysterical cries, and thought about how I would never see her smile or laugh again, how I would never see her luminous scarlet hair freshly shampooed and styled, and how I would never make love to the woman I loved so very much ever again.

I couldn't remember falling asleep like that.

* * *

3rd Person POV:

Many hours later when Annabelle and her siblings returned home from school via the school bus, they couldn't find their father. They searched the entire downstairs and their rooms, and almost called Izzie, when Gracie suggested their parents' room.

"No, Gracie, I don't think Daddy would be in there." Annabelle replied.

"Why not Annie?" Zach screeched, confused.

"Just cause." Annabelle rolled her eyes. Sometimes she couldn't deal with her younger siblings.

"Let's check!" Zach added. He began to climb the stairs as fast as his 3 year old legs would carry him.

"Zach wait!" Annabelle hissed, hurrying after him. Gracie trailed behind them.

By the time Annabelle had reached her brother he was pulling open the door to their parents' room and she was groaning in annoyance.

"Daddy!" Zach shrieked and jumped on Derek, whose eyes popped open in confusion and minor fear.

"What? What's wrong?" He sat up, gently pushing Zach off of him.

"Nothing." Annabelle sighed. "We couldn't find where you were and Gracie and Zach thought you would be here."

Derek's face fell and he released the pillow from his tight grasp.

11 year old Annabelle, being the intuitive young girl, sensed her father's grief and pain. She smiled brightly at her younger siblings.

"Why don't you guys go get a snack? Gracie you should get started on your homework."

Gracie nodded and held out her hand for Zach to take. Gracie never argued with her siblings or her family; she always did what she was told.

"Come on Zachy, let's go eat." She exited the room; Zach toddling after her.

Once the youngest of the Shepard clan were downstairs, Annabelle took a gentle seat next to her father.

"Hi daddy."

"Hi princess. How was school?" Derek tried to smile.

"Fine. How are you?" Annabelle scrunched her nose in worry.

Derek didn't want to bother his daughter so he plastered a smile on his face. "Fine. I just came in here to grab some clothes and I fell asleep."

Annabelle could sense that he was lying, but she didn't press the issue. "Okay, well I have homework to do. I love you." She kissed Derek on the cheek and bolted out the room.

* * *

Derek's POV:

As if it were timed, the second my daughter left our room, my cell phone rang from my somewhere in my pants pocket. I groaned and rubbed my eyes, trying to rid the stray tear tracks.

There was a horrible ache in my chest as I flipped open the phone. "Hello?"

"Derek, its Izzie."

I sighed inwardly. Why was she always there? Once was enough. "Izzie, what do you need?"

"Nothing, I uh, I just wanted to call and check on you and the kids. How are you?"

"Fine." I replied, icily.

There was a pause on the other end before Izzie spoke again. "Good. And the kids? Do you need me to come by? My shift just ended, I could—"

"No. They have homework to do." I cut her off.

Izzie was clearly in a persistent mood. "Are you sure? Because if Annabelle needs to talk or Gracie needs help with anything and Zach just needs to be put down for a nap, I could be there in 10 minutes."

"I am very much capable of looking after my own children, thank you." I snapped. "Look, I gotta go. Bye."

I didn't wait for the blonde on the other end to reply; I hung up the phone and tossed it aside.

I wished that the ache in center of my chest would leave, but the more I tried to roll over and fall asleep again, the worse it got. I figured it was the room, and her essence, so I sat up. I began to contemplate the issue of Izzie Stevens. I couldn't discern if she was just that, an issue, or a blessing in my kids lives.

I tried to make myself believe that Izzie wasn't trying to replace Addison; she was simply trying to help. But the logical part of my brain didn't seem to be functioning, and the more I thought of Izzie and letting her baby my kids, the more angry I got.

Izzie Stevens would not replace Addison. She couldn't hold a candle to my beautiful wife.

I got up to go downstairs and defiantly decided Izzie would not be let near Annabelle, Gracie, and Zach.

* * *

A/N: I know that was ridiculously short, but it was a good place to stop in the plot. I hope you guys understand that Izzie is in NO WAY trying to replace Addison, but we all know Izzie has a kind generous side and all she wants to do is help Derek and his kids. And also realize that Derek is angry and in denial sort of, and he just thinks Izzie wants to replace Addison, but all he really wants is his wife back. If you wanna know if he comes around or not, then keep reading! As always, REVIEW! Thanks. Oh, and also, I need opinions: would you guys rather me make this a fic that jumps around to milestones in the kids lives that would work around not having their mother, or would you guys rather me continue with describing everything immediately after Addison's death, so that this takes place within like 3 weeks? Does that make sense? Let me know in a review. 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I got some really fabulous reviews for chapter 2, and I just want to thank every single person who reviewed. I really really do appreciate it and it motivates me to keep writing. And judging from the response, I'm thinking that I will write a couple more chapters dealing with the immediate aftermath and then finish it up with the kids' milestones. Sound good? Good. As always, read and review!

Disclaimer: It still does not belong to me. But Annie, Gracie, and Zach are mine.

* * *

Izzie's POV:

I looked at my phone in confusion after Derek had hung up on me. I sighed and tossed it in the seat next to me. I just wished that Derek would let down the barrier he had built between me and his kids and just let me in. I knew he was simply angry and in denial, but taking it out on me and refusing to let me help his family wasn't going to help.

I continued to drive to my destination, determined to make a dent in Derek's pain. I knew it was what Addison had wanted. I lightly ran my fingers across the edges of the envelope I was clutching in my hands. It was from Addison and it was the last thing she had written to me before she died.

* * *

Derek's POV:

"What does everyone want for a snack?" I questioned, coming down the stairs.

"Cookies!" Zach screeched, throwing his chubby hands in the air.

"Yeah, cookies daddy!" Gracie concurred.

Annabelle kept her eyes cast downward and pretended to concentrate on her math homework in front of her.

I shook my head at the kids' excitement. "No cookies. Pick something healthy."

My wife wasn't here, and here I was, honoring her wishes. She never let the younger ones have cookies after school. She claimed it would rot their teeth and make them fat. Addison Montgomery would not have fat kids, she always preached. They could always have junk for dessert after dinner, but never any other time of the day. Every once in a while, I would sneak a cookie or two in the kids bags before they headed to the park with Izzie after school. One time my wife had caught me and given me a long lecture; one that I had heard many times. I never did it again.

"Why not daddy?" Zach pouted.

"You know why. Mommy never let you have junk after school."

"But mommy's not here." Gracie piped up.

My eyes widened in shock. Gracie had never back talked to any of us before, and here she was arguing her way to score a damn cookie.

"Gracie Cheyenne Shepard. Do not argue with me." I told her boldly. "And you know what, it does not matter that your mother is not here. We have to honor her wishes no matter what."

Gracie dropped her head in shame.

"Carrots or a peanut butter sandwich. Those are you choices. What do you want?"

After the kids had obediently told me what they wanted, I set to work on making 3 sandwiches when I heard the doorbell ring.

"Oh god no." I looked up and dropped the knife I was holding.

"I'll get it!" Annabelle said and stood up to grab the door.

I prayed to the gods that it wasn't Izzie Stevens. I could hear voices as Annabelle returned to the kitchen with our guest.

"Daddy, Aunt Izzie's here." Annabelle called out.

I clenched my teeth and willed myself not to lose it. What was she doing here? I asked her to stay away.

I plastered a smile on my face and spun around to face the blonde.

"Hi Izzie. What are you doing here?"

Izzie smiled brightly back at me. "I came to check on the kids."

By now, Zach had hopped up onto her lap and Gracie was clutching her hand tightly.

"I thought I told you I had everything under control." It was getting harder to keep on a happy act in front of the kids.

"You did, but I figured I would stop by anyways." Izzie replied.

I felt my anger simmer just below the surface as I watched Izzie tend to Gracie and her homework, and then move to play with Zach and his Lego's, all the while talking to Annabelle about her day.

I willed myself not to lose it. I tried to rationalize that Izzie was just trying to help, but that wouldn't click in my brain. The least I could do was not do it in front of the kids.

"Izzie, will you join me in the living room please?" I demanded.

"Sure." She stood up. "I'll be right back guys." She spoke to the kids.

Once we reached the living room I sat down on the couch and motioned for Izzie to join me.

"I need you to leave." I spoke in a calm voice.

"The kids need me, Derek. You know that." She replied.

"They do not. They have me. And you will never replace their mother." I hissed. With every passing moment I became angrier.

"I am not trying to replace Addison. I would never do that."

"I am not going to ask you again. Leave."

Izzie bit her lip and I could tell she was struggling with the decision. "Derek, you know those kids need me. Please, let me stay."

I jumped up and began turning red with rage. "Are you god damn serious? I am asking you to leave. Respect my god damn wishes and get out of my house." My voice began escalating and at that point, I didn't care that three little faces were peeking from behind the kitchen corner.

Izzie followed and stood up as well. She was upset, but she was standing her ground. "Derek, please. Keep your voice down, the kid's are watching."

"How dare you tell me to keep my voice down in my own house? GET OUT!" I was screaming now.

"Daddy, stop!"

I spun around to see Gracie standing in the archway of the kitchen, tears streaming down her face. She clutched Zach's hand, who looked scared, and Annabelle stood behind them, shocked.

"Stop screaming at Aunt Izzie. You're being mean!" Gracie ran over to Izzie and grabbed her hand. "I hate you!" She screamed in my face. "Mommy's gone and you're being a meanie. Aunt Izzie just wants to help."

My mouth dropped open in surprise. Finally, Izzie conceded. "I'll go." She hung her head. "But you should read this." She searched through her purse and returned with a crumpled envelope.

I snatched it from her grasp and tapped my foot impatiently, waiting for her to leave. Now that she agreed to do so, my anger was simmering and I could feel my quickening heart beat finally begin to slow to a normal pace.

"I'll see you guys soon. Don't worry about me." Izzie got on her knees to kiss Gracie on the cheek. She wiped the tears that were drying on the 7 year olds face. She hugged Zach and Annabelle and I watched silently in the background. There was no need to upset my children anymore, so I hung back.

And finally, after what seemed like eternity, Izzie Stevens finally left my house.

Gracie glared at me and stomped upstairs to her room, followed by Annabelle who was carrying Zach.

I sighed and plopped back down in the couch I had previously been occupying.

I clutched the worn envelope and suddenly the tears began to fall. I hated my mixed feelings. I was angry, confused, upset, and alone and I had taken it out on Izzie and indirectly, my kids. All I wanted was my wife back. I needed to see her and breathe in the scent of roses one more time. I needed to hold her and make love to her.

"Oh Addie, please come back to us." I begged out loud. I brushed stray tears as they cascaded down my cheeks.

The ache in my chest had returned and a headache was beginning to form.

If the kids had Izzie Stevens, than maybe they didn't need me. The endless crying continued as I eyed the rows of kitchen knives in the kitchen. I had a perfect line of sight of them from where I was sitting. I thought about the extra bottles of dishwashing liquid sitting under the kitchen sink, and I remembered the numerous pieces of rope that were lying in the garage.

Would I do it? Could I do it? Could I end my life? With Addison gone, I had nothing to live for. It was clear that the kid's preferred Izzie over me and it was clear that she could care for them herself.

I stuffed the envelope into one of my pockets and stood up.

* * *

A/N: Yay, a cliffhanger! Hope everyone enjoyed that; I enjoyed writing it! So I need you guys' opinions: what kind of thing would you want to see happen to Derek that will finally provide closure for Addison's death, if he doesn't kill himself? Obviously everyone has something happen that eventually helps them get over a death. What would you like to see that be for Derek? Let me know in a review, please. Thanks again! 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry this took so long; I was on vacation. I did write in my hotel room while I was there, but I had no internet service to post the chapter online. Anyway, as always, read and review please.

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any part of it. All belongs to Shonda and co. I only own Annabelle, Gracie, and Zach.

* * *

Derek slowly hobbled towards the kitchen. The kitchen was clean and glinted brightly in the sunlight streaming in from the window to the right.

He spun around to assure that none of the kids were anywhere in sight. Content that it seemed like they were at least up stairs, he lowered himself to the level of one of the drawers beside him. He had made his decision.

He pulled open the drawer and surveyed the knives that lay in front of him. He carefully chose a brash steak knife and slowly ran his pointer finger along the sharp edges.

A dull ache began to form in the center of his chest as he thought of Addison and his kids. He just couldn't do it anymore. Already 4 days had proven he couldn't live without his Addison. A small part of him realized what he was about to do was incredibly selfish, and that without and a mother and a father Annabelle, Gracie, and Zach would be so terribly alone.

He had to do it though; he had to end his life, because without Addison, there really was nothing in the world for Derek to live for.

Hands shaking, he lifted the knife to his wrist and little by little dragged the pointed blade across the skin. He saw the skin split open and bright red blood began to seep from the wound.

Already Derek's head was spinning and he rested himself against the kitchen counter. He felt the life drain from inside himself as he set to work on drawing blood from his other wrist.

A small, ironic smile played across his lips as he dropped the knife and it clattered to the hardwood floors.

From his peripheral vision he could see his own blood drip down his hands and splash onto the floors.

A bright white light appeared in Derek's view and he was no longer in pain; numb to the world. He swore he could see Addison smiling above him.

"Addie…" he used his last bit of energy to utter her name.

He let his head fall back onto his shoulders and close his eyes. He could feel the warm wetness beneath his hands and could smell the coppery smell of his own blood.

Just upstairs, Annabelle hopped off her bed and studied the math homework in her hands. She needed help with it. She opened the bedroom door to go find her father. Humming, she made her way down the stairs and started into the kitchen.

The sight that greeted her was horrifying; Derek lay in a puddle of blood and he was gray in color.

Annabelle let out a loud scream and rushed over to her father. Tears already streaming down her face, she pulled his head onto her lap.

"Daddy! Wake up!" She screamed.

Derek could hear a voice just above him. Was he dead? Was this Addison telling him it was okay to wake up? No. The harder he listened the more it sounded like Annabelle. He used every ounce of his waning strength to open his eyes at the sound of his distraught daughter.

"Annie." He whispered.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. No one was supposed to walk in on him trying to end his life.

He could feel Annabelle's wet tears drop onto his own face; he let his eyes flutter closed again.

Annabelle chose to ignore the large knife that lay beside her father. Instead, she felt behind her and above on the counter for the house phone. Luckily, it rested in its cradle.

Quivering, she managed to dial 911.

"Please, come quick. My dad is hurt. He's dieing!" She sputtered over the phone. She gave the police dispatcher her name and her address as calm as she could and then hung up. He had promised an ambulance was on its way.

She dialed another number she knew by heart and she began to cry again when Izzie's voice came on the line.

"Aunt Izzie, please. Come quickly. Daddy's bleeding and, and, and I don't know what to, to, do. Please." Her voice shook as she struggled to tell her aunt what had happened.

Izzie's heart raced with panic as she listened to her terrified niece on the phone.

"Baby, you need to clam down. Have you called an ambulance?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, okay, that's good. Now calm down, he's going to be okay. I'm on my way."

Izzie hung up before she let Annabelle respond. Izzie got in her car and didn't have to guess what had happened to Derek.

* * *

By the time Izzie had arrived at the Shepard house, ambulances and police officers blocked the driveway.

Frustrated, she parked her car and threw open the door. Just as she reached their front door, a stretcher was being wheeled out, Derek resting on it.

"What happened?" She stopped one of the paramedics operating the stretcher.

"Ma'am, we need to get him to a hospital. Please move out of the way."

"I'm Dr. Izzie Stevens. I work at Seattle Grace Hospital and I am demanding that someone tell me what is going on." She replied, hand on Derek's cheek.

"Slit wrists." The same paramedic responded nonchalantly.

Izzie shook her head. "Is he going to be okay?"

"We don't know yet. Now if you please, let us get him to a hospital so we can save his life."

Izzie let them continue their way to the ambulance. She watched them raise the stretcher into the vehicle and shut the door. "Oh Derek…what have you done?"

She spun around and stepped into the house. It was eerily quiet.

"Kids?" She called out. "It's Aunt Izzie. Where are you guys?"

"Ma'am?" A voice that Izzie had never heard before called out from the kitchen. "If you would, join us in here."

Puzzled, she walked into the kitchen to find Annabelle sitting in a congealing pool of her father's blood on the floor, a kind looking policeman standing behind her with worried eyes.

"You're their aunt?" He questioned.

Izzie stepped up to Annabelle and rested her hand on the girl's shoulder, giving it a small reassuring squeeze.

"Yes. I'm Dr. Izzie Stevens; Derek Shepard's colleague and family friend." Izzie responded. "Is he going to be okay?"

The policeman shrugged. "We don't know yet, Dr. I would like to ask you and the little one here some questions though if you would."

Izzie bit her lip and crouched down to Annabelle's eye level. The young girl seemed to be gone to the world.

"Baby, come on. We need to get up. The nice policeman needs to ask you some questions."

Annabelle's eyes began to mist over and Izzie watched a small tear drip from her eye into the pool of drying blood beneath her.

"Come on." Izzie reached under Annabelle's arms and gently pulled her up, wrapping her arms comfortingly around her.

Annabelle allowed herself to be wrapped in Izzie's arms and used the private comfort of Izzie's blue sweatshirt to cry into as the policeman stood awkwardly to the side.

"Can you give us a minute please?" Izzie pleaded, searching the policeman's eyes for understanding.

He nodded. "I thought you should know; Dr. Shepard's other kids were picked up by a Dr. Meredith Grey. She was supposed to take Annabelle too, but Annabelle refused to leave. That was why I was here."

Izzie nodded. "Thank you."

He left the kitchen quietly.

"Annie, baby. What happened?' Izzie gently caressed her scarlet locks.

"I-I-I don't know. I c-c-c-came down because I n-needed help with my homew-work." Annabelle stammered, letting the tears flow freely. "And I found him."

"Oh baby. I'm so sorry. But he's going to make it, you know that. He's strong. And you're strong. This entire family is strong."

Izzie's heart ached for the girl. She had been through so much in just a couple short days. She didn't blame her for completely breaking down.

"Aunt Izzie, I'm tired. I'm just so tired of losing people that I love." Annabelle lifted her head and looked into Izzie's eyes.

"Don't say that. He's going to make it." Izzie said in a strong voice. "Let's quickly talk to the policeman and then go to the hospital to meet your siblings and see your dad."

Annabelle clutched Izzie's hand and slowly followed her into the living room.

* * *

After Annabelle and Izzie gave the police their statements, Annabelle quickly changed out of her bloody clothes, and the two began their short drive to Seattle Grace.

Annabelle struggled to stay awake in the car. It was silence between her and Izzie, and every time she felt herself start to drift, she pinched herself harshly on her inner thigh. Her thoughts were jumbled; confused and scared, but she would not let herself break down again. Her 11 year old self was committed to staying strong.

They reached the hospital and Izzie quickly parked in her usual parking spot. She and Annabelle rushed in the double doors and rode the elevator to the intensive care unit.

Izzie strode up to the nurses station with a purpose, Annabelle trailing on her heel.

"Dr. Shepard, please. Where is he?" She demanded coolly.

The blonde nurse looked up from her magazine. Before she could respond, a voice called to Izzie.

"Izzie! Oh, thank god you're here."

Izzie spun around to see Meredith walking towards her. Little Zach was asleep in her arms, and Gracie clung to her hand, looking scared and small.

"Meredith." Izzie breathed, stepping closer and taking Zach from her. The little boy shifted and cooed in his sleep but did not wake. "How is he?"

Meredith shook her head. "I don't know. They won't tell us anything. Especially with the kids around."

"Damn it…" Izzie mumbled.

"Aunt Izzie?' Gracie piped up.

"Yeah baby girl?"

Gracie's lower lip quivered and her eyes began to fill with tears. "Is my daddy going to be okay?"

Izzie crouched to Gracie's level and enveloped her. "Absolutely. Don't doubt it for a minute."

Meredith cleared her throat. "Why don't you kids, uh, let Callie take you down to the cafeteria to grab some food?"

Annabelle nodded and stood protectively behind her sister. Gracie let go of Izzie and wiped any stray tears from her cheeks.

Izzie paged Callie, and she was outside the ICU within minutes, completely ready to do anything they needed.

"Please call if anything changes." Callie entreated before whisking Annabelle and Gracie to the elevators, leaving a sleeping Zach in Izzie's arms.

Meredith and Izzie both took a seat in the waiting room.

Meredith sighed. "Iz?"

"Hmm?"

"Did he do what I think he did?" Meredith carefully questioned.

"I think so." Izzie replied, sighing. "I just don't know how much longer these kids can be strong. When I came to the house to get Annabelle, I found her sitting in a pool of her father's blood. When I got there she broke down. Hell, I don't know how much stronger **I** can be for those kids. If Derek dies…"

"Don't." Meredith implored. "Don't say it. He won't. These kids will come through this with a father. Derek will be just fine."

Izzie sighed. "If you say so, Mer."

Twenty minutes passed quietly, with no news or updates on Derek's condition. Annabelle and Gracie were still with Callie.

Meredith had fallen asleep with her head resting on Izzie's shoulder. Izzie's eyes burned with determination to stay awake. Zach, luckily, still slept peacefully in the soft comfort of his Aunt's arms.

Suddenly, Izzie heard the unmistakable squeak of doctors' shoes and the rustle of scrubs. She turned her head to face the ICU door and watched as Dr. Miranda Bailey and Dr. Codi Brooklyn trooped through.

Their faces were unreadable as they approached Izzie and a sleeping Meredith. And from the adjacent hallway, Izzie would hear Callie returning with Annie and Gracie.

Izzie gently tapped Meredith awake and sat up slightly straighter.

Dr. Bailey and Dr. Brooklyn reached them; Dr. Brooklyn reaching out her hand for Izzie to take. Both nodded.

"Dr. Stevens. Dr. Grey. I'm so sorry…" She started.

* * *

A/N: Mwahaha! Cliffhanger…I'm sorry I had to do it!! ducks flying sporks I hope you all enjoyed that. I will have the next chapter up soon! Please review if you took the time to read. 


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